The Postpartum Identity Crisis Nobody Warns You About

Before you have a baby, everyone warns you that your life is going to change. They tell you you'll sleep less, have less free time, and your schedule will revolve around naps and feedings. But nobody really explains what it feels like when you, yourself, change too.

You go through life getting to know yourself and building an identity that's totally your own. Then suddenly, you're someone's mom. And somewhere between the feedings, diaper changes, doctors appointments, contact naps, and trying to remember the last time you showered… you might look in the mirror and genuinely wonder: Who even am I now? I love being a mom, so why am I missing "me" so much right now?

This is the part of postpartum that no one warns you about. And it can honestly feel so confusing and emotionally draining.

You can love your baby more than anything in the world and still miss the person you were before becoming their mama. Both can be true at the same time.

You might miss your freedom, your body, your career, your hobbies, and your relationship before everything required planning around this new, tiny human you made. Even something as simple as leaving the house alone without packing a diaper bag can feel so mentally and emotionally stressful.

I think this is where motherhood can start to become your entire identity really fast. It's not too long after birth in the early postpartum months when people stop asking about you. They always ask about the baby, and how the baby is sleeping, and how the baby is eating, and if the baby is gaining weight, and "what's the baby doing now?".

Meanwhile, you're still healing, literally bleeding, running on 4 hours of broken sleep, navigating feeding this tiny human, dealing with hormonal changes, and trying to figure out WTF your new normal is. But, the conversation always seems to come back to the baby.

It's so easy to start feeling like you've disappeared behind the word "mom". Well mama, guess what? You don't have to "get the old you back". I feel like we hear that phrase constantly postpartum.

Maybe the goal isn't and was never to "bounce back" or become exactly who you were before having a baby, because you are not her anymore. That doesn't mean the old you is gone, pieces of her are still there, but you're also becoming someone new.

So please remember that finding yourself again can take time, and it can start small. It doesn't have to mean booking a solo vacation 3 weeks postpartum or completely reinventing your life before you go back to work. Sometimes it's drinking your coffee while it's actually still hot; or wearing something that makes you actually feel good; or listening to your 90's throwback playlist or favorite podcast in the car instead of nursery rhymes. You could go to lunch alone, pick up an old hobby with your bestie, or start something completely new with a new group of friends.

If you feel like you don't totally recognize your postpartum self, you are not the only one. Remember mama, you don't have to choose between loving who you've become and missing who you used to be. Maybe finding yourself postpartum isn't about going backward, it's about getting to know this new version of you.

Mama question: Did you experience an identity shift after becoming a mom? What part of "you" are you trying to find again?