The Mental Load of Motherhood: Why “Just Ask for Help” Isn’t Always the Answer

Have you ever been told “You just need to ask for help?" and you just wanted to scream "That's NOT the problem! I'm tired if being the ONLY one who has to know what needs to be down!"?

Motherhood isn’t just the physical work. It’s remembering that you’re almost out of diapers, scheduling the pediatrician appointments, planning out dinner every single night, remembering to wash all the pump parts, noticing that your baby is growing out of their current sized onesies, and always thinking three steps ahead so everyone else can simply live comfortably. That’s the mental load.

Current research suggests that this isn’t just something moms "feel" like they’re carrying, studies have found that new moms seem to take on a disproportionate share of cognitive household labor, particularly in the day to day planning and management of family life. In one study of 322 new mothers, they reported doing more of the household labor than their partners, with the imbalance being especially significant for the cognitive labor. Greater cognitive labor was associated with increased stress, burnout, depression, poorer overall mental health, and even relationship difficulties (Aviv, et al., 2024). 

Another large study of US mothers found that new moms reported being primarily responsible for 71% of the mental load tasks they were asked about, compared with 45% for fathers/ their partners. The researchers also found that these mothers carried particularly more of the daily mental load surrounding childcare, food, cleaning, scheduling, and family relationships (Weeks & Ruppanner, 2024). 

When you say you're overwhelmed, the answer shouldn’t always be “just ask for help" because asking someone else to do something still means you have to notice the problem, figure out the solution, delegate the task, answer questions, and remember to follow up. And that honestly sounds exhausting!

Sometimes what you actually need isn’t help. You might just need someone else to own some of the responsibility. Not because you're incapable of doing it, but because you shouldn’t have to be the manager of everyone’s life just because you're the mom.

Motherhood is already a full-time job. You shouldn’t have to burn yourself out before someone notices you need a hand.

References

American Psychological Association. (2024, July 12). What advice do psychologists have to offer on how parents can manage stress and burnout?

Aviv, E., Waizman, Y., Kim, E., Liu, J., Rodsky, E., & Saxbe, D. (2025). Cognitive household labor: Gender disparities and consequences for maternal mental health and wellbeing. Archives of Women’s Mental Health.

Weeks, A. C., & Ruppanner, L. (2025). A typology of US parents’ mental loads: Core and episodic cognitive labor. Journal of Marriage and Family.